| suicide |
[Oct. 21st, 2006|09:05 pm] |
i always called people that were suicidal selfish and that they were only thinking of themselves. i never knew anyone who committed suicide until recently. on october 14th an uncle of mine on my dad's side hung himelf early that saturday morning. but now i believe in something else... why people do cimmitt suicide. it's an end to mental illness. i just wish i would've known what was mentally wrong with my uncle. i wondered for awhile what was so bad in his life to drive him to end it. but now i wonder... what was wrong with him mentally? suicide is preventable. it's not inevitable.
things are a little messy right now.... like school. and i definitely wish casey was by my side right now. i'll get to see him soon tho. |
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| p.s. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|12:57 am] |
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i hate knowing what i want from him and at the same time knowing i will never get it. i hate calling him and not getting an answer. my heart stops when i think he's answered but it just the pause that passes by right before his voicemail.i feel really hurt. i would never do what he did to me to him. but it sucks knowing that some of thungs i've done to him he would never do to me. maybe i'm being irrational but he thinks will always blow over... so he blows things off all the time. i don't want things to end. but he can't think it's okay to do these things to me. it's NOT. i am happy but other times i'm not. so i can't appropaitely answer his question. maybe i would be happier if were together all time. i miss him so much. i can't stand be away from him all the time. he seems so perfect at times. so why do i threaten to end something so good? is in not that good? this sucks. i don't know what to do. but something's definitely not making me happy. i know i'm only 20. but i want to marry. and i want to marry him.. at times i tihnk. aaaaaaaaahhh. i'm sooooooooo upset. what is wrong with me? |
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| buh bye. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|12:54 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | in bed.. vegas. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the fucking depressed thoughts going on in my head. | ] |
"Anything beautiful fades away, and anything ugly fades away, too. It almost hurts to love things, because they have to stop being that. And that's just the nature of life."
-Conor Oberst |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|07:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "microtronic wave" pinback | ] |
i laughed,
...surprised that it was no longer winter, no longer lonely in my heart.
love is an endless plain. it is so endless that it is curved so there is no beginning and no end. our tears water that field so even in times of grief there is prosperity. our laughter resounds over the grass making us combined alone and together. my hand is hot in yours and your lips are searing and infinite.
we will walk tirelessly through that field until we cannot walk anymore, and then, we will dream of walking. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2006|11:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
i know i should. but i won't give up. [sigh]
i wish he'd sign onto aim like he used to.
i hope he's feeling better.
i can't describe how i'm feeling. my emotions are so mixed up.
i feel bad for my parents. especially my mom for dealing with me and my shit. i don't mean to put her through it. it's just.. things are hard. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|11:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elefant- misfit | ] |
so your top 8 is cool.. except for number 8. i don't care that i'm not in your top 8.. i just hate that she's in it. yuck. upgrade if you will.. i'm so frustrated right now... and it all had to do with school. end of story. aahhhhhhh. she's a dumb girl anyway. |
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| ...unsophisticated?... |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|10:58 am] |
told u
&& told u
amazing dances
&& told you
dazzling parties
&& told me
sophisticated u
&& told me
unsophisticated me
&& ....
.... && you
(u&I)
&& me ....
As we dance
(u&I)
In perfect
harmony
&& harts =
* stars *
4 & 3 x We
I*u
&&
u*I |
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| for you to notice... |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|10:57 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | dashboard | ] |
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me |
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| make me... |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|10:55 am] |
feel better..
my head hurts.
my throat hurts.
love me.
touch me.
hurt me,
treat me.
hit me.
kill me.
kiss me.
spank me.
thrill me.
bite me.
create me.
envision me.
trick me.
challenge me.
drive me.
abuse me.
eat me.
lose me.
forsake me.
use me.
color me.
trash me.
hate me,
think me.
protect me.
sin me.
envy me.
face me.
feel me.
leave me.
trust me.
yea... you know.
m!o!n!s!t!e!r!s! |
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| easy to ignore. <3. |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|10:54 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the cardigans | ] |
You and the moon are a beautiful sight to me.
The stars in your eyes make it really hard to see you.
A night in the sun is all I really want.
You and me with the best of both for once.
Night breaks. My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?
You let your song blow right through me.
Your mighty intellect makes you mighty hard to see.
Will there come a time for me to be more to you, more to me?
Night breaks. My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore? |
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| no more.. |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|10:53 am] |
so.. my friends are hot. and everyone knows it. my best friend is the hottest. <3 white washed mexicans. hahahaha.
all in all a good weekend. :-D
crazy shit.
never thought would happen shit.
drunk shit.
beautiful shit.
happy shit.
confident self-esteem shit.
BUT.. i miss the feeling you get when you fall deeply in love with someone and the feeling's reciprocated... and you feel like a lil kid again.
prince charming is a DICK... bring on the frogs.
ha. there was never a prince charming. jaykaying.
OH i can't believe how many people actually read my bulletins. it's kinda neat.
goodnight... next time i'm on the piece will be in cali. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|02:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | pinback "concrete seconds" | ] |
system error. abort all vocal intentions to focus energy on rebooting heart. retry
retry
retry
retry
retry
retry
retry
retry
retry
fail. |
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| -drgaf. |
[Apr. 13th, 2006|07:14 pm] |
Come fluff daddys pillow baby .... you're being a draaaag.
[i.hate.leaving.]
I hate crying in front of him.
Aw, but dont bawl me over.
Things just get so crazy.
He took his shirt off.
[oh.baby.] |
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| best friends forever. <33. |
[Apr. 13th, 2006|05:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | circa survive | ] |
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:50 PM]: butthead?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:50 PM]: gayface
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:50 PM]: eye
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:50 PM]: heart
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:50 PM]: you
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:50 PM]: yesssssssssss.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:51 PM]: i love you.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:51 PM]: what are you up to?
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:51 PM]: phil, i've been thinking about you a lot lately.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:51 PM]: i've been meaning to call you but i don't have your number anymore.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:52 PM]: lol
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:52 PM]: ***-5***
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:52 PM]: just dont call monday or tuesday
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:52 PM]: and you cant tell anyone about our secret love for eachother lol
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:52 PM]: i even messaged the teamstars to see how i can get ahold of you.. but they didn't respond.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:52 PM]: why not on monday or tuesday?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:52 PM]: you know
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:53 PM]: hmm.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:53 PM]: lem
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:53 PM]: she gets all mad about you
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:54 PM]: i think she gets jealous
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:54 PM]: but just on those days?
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:54 PM]: still?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:54 PM]: yea
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:54 PM]: lol
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:54 PM]: idk
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:54 PM]: that's lame.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:54 PM]: you should call her lame lem..
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:54 PM]: jk.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:54 PM]: ;-)
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:55 PM]: well, i wanna see you sometime soon.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:55 PM]: i know
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:55 PM]: but everytime we talk it has to be a secret lol
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:55 PM]: are you serious?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:56 PM]: yea
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:56 PM]: lame lame lame.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:56 PM]: that really hurts cause i really care about you, phil.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:57 PM]: it's not like i really talk to anyone you hang out with anyway.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:58 PM]: and i wouldn't want to ruin whatever you have with her.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: i know
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: thats why
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: i dont
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: i know i want to talk to you
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: but you cant go and post on teamstars or anyting that you talked to me
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: because shes crazy
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:58 PM]: i think she looks at your myspace too if you have one
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:58 PM]: hahahaha. i wouldn't.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:59 PM]: no.. i set it to private.. if you're not on my friends list you can't see my profile.
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:59 PM]: that's crazy tho!
Xx LoSt DaWL [4:59 PM]: she still has a problem with me?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [4:59 PM]: i think
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:01 PM]: i missy ou
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:01 PM]: i remember it was probably like a year ago.. i said i love you or happy birthday or something like that on teamstars thing..she got hella pist.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:01 PM]: i miss you..
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:01 PM]: i know
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:01 PM]: and that's where i'm trying to get at...
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:01 PM]: i'm gonna be home for a few days.. this upcoming week.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:01 PM]: i wanna see you.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:03 PM]: how is everyone?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:03 PM]: everyone is good
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:03 PM]: i might be able to sneak over to you later
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:04 PM]: later? i'm not home.. i'm in cali..
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:05 PM]: i know
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:05 PM]: but you said later this week
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:05 PM]: okay okay.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:06 PM]: that pisses me off phil.. she has no reason to not like me..
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:06 PM]: she's never met me.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:06 PM]: i know
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:06 PM]: but alex fkd it all up when he called you a long time ago
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:07 PM]: she should be able to accept me as being one of your friends..
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:07 PM]: i know.. i remember.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:07 PM]: damn him.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:07 PM]: do you still talk to him?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:07 PM]: i know what a dumbass
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:07 PM]: no because he told her how much i used to like you and all this
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:08 PM]: ever since then you stopped talking to him?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:10 PM]: no
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:10 PM]: a long time ago
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:10 PM]: i still dont talk to him though
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:10 PM]: hes like a lush now
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:10 PM]: really, what happened?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:11 PM]: he got mixed up with drugs and shit
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:11 PM]: ohhhh.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:13 PM]: tell charles and them i said hiii.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:13 PM]: alright.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:15 PM]: still living at home?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:16 PM]: lol yea
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:16 PM]: brb gotta pooh
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:16 PM]: hah kay.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:25 PM]: hey
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:26 PM]: how was it?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:26 PM]: lol felt good
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:26 PM]: i bet. lol.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:26 PM]: yea
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:26 PM]: so, you going to school still or what?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:27 PM]: to be your suga daddy
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:27 PM]: lmao.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:27 PM]: hahaha.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:27 PM]: good to hear.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:27 PM]: idk
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:27 PM]: what do you mean you don't know?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:27 PM]: i dont know yet
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:28 PM]: probably just business managements
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:28 PM]: are you in school now?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:28 PM]: yea
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:28 PM]: okay.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:29 PM]: so i'm either moving to reno or arkansas in the fall.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:29 PM]: damn
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:29 PM]: why?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:29 PM]: lol arkansas
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:29 PM]: hillbilly
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:29 PM]: your going to be the prettiest thing out there
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:30 PM]: arkansas.. i have a scholarship to continue playing.. it just depends on what i'm offered.. and reno for unr cause they have a good psych program.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:30 PM]: lol. thanks.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:30 PM]: i've ever been there. you?
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:30 PM]: never*
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:30 PM]: no lol
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:31 PM]: i dunno.. it has to take a lot of convincing to do to go out there.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:31 PM]: yea
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:31 PM]: you should come live with me
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:32 PM]: lol.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:33 PM]: lol
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:33 PM]: so do you ever see my bro around anymore?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:34 PM]: i saw his car at this vegas cruise thing but tahts it
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:35 PM]: oh.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:35 PM]: i see your mom once in a while
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:35 PM]: at school?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:35 PM]: yea
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:35 PM]: do you ever talk to her?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:36 PM]: i say hello but im always on my way to class and she is leaving
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:36 PM]: hm, weird.. i'd figure she woulda mentioned seeing you at the school.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:37 PM]: lol no?
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:37 PM]: she hasn't anything about seeing you.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:37 PM]: said*
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:38 PM]: hmm
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:38 PM]: welp, what's your sister up to?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:38 PM]: gettng ready to get married
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:38 PM]: oh really? that's neat... when is it?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:39 PM]: i think in july
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:39 PM]: niiiice. where ar?
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:39 PM]: at*
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:39 PM]: california
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:39 PM]: oooh. why there?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:39 PM]: disneyland lol
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:40 PM]: jk
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:40 PM]: idk
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:40 PM]: haha.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:40 PM]: interesting.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:40 PM]: do your sister and my sister still talk?
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:40 PM]: im not sure
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:41 PM]: oh.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:41 PM]: but yea beautiful i need to go work on my car for a little bit ok. it was nice talking to you
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:41 PM]: give me a call once in a while
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:42 PM]: okay. i will.. likewise tho. i miss you and hopefully i get to see you next week.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:42 PM]: bye.
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:42 PM]: <3333.
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:42 PM]: yea
OnE tRu RyCeHaEd [5:42 PM]: ill try to come on aim more
Xx LoSt DaWL [5:42 PM]: kay.
[sigh] i honestly love this guy. i wonder how things would be if we ever gotten serious. i dunno.. but i;m glad no matter how far i am or how long since we last talked i can rely on him. <3. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|04:45 pm] |
i used to be able to remember exactly how they looked.
i know the name of the color. they call it "hazel". but that's just a weak name for a color that's never the same twice. well, for a set of colors. blue, gold, brown, grey, like Watercolors in the rain.
they changed colors with your emotion, trite as it sounds - but i'm not really sure how i know this. i know it to be true, but i don't remember ever looking at them, studying them, when you were yelling at me, for example. all i remember is one time that i stared into them when we were both happy, and one time, much later, when we were both content.
your hair fell into this category, too. it looked at first glance like it was a light brown, and where it was long enough to have gotten more sun, it looked a dark golden. "honey", i guess they call it.
i saw you the other day, and your hair was subtly different. it wasn't the color i thought it would be at all.
but it was fall, and my hair changes shade with the seasons, so maybe it was that i hadn't seen you in a while.
your eyes were different, too, but i don't know what color, or colors, i thought they'd be. i'm pretty sure the season had nothing to do with that, and i know you don't wear contacts.
i haven't seen the colors that happy made in them for years, and the last time i saw them was when you were looking at her, the way you used to look at me, and you thought i wasn't looking. and either you noticed that i noticed, or i just stopped noticing, because it was less painful that way.
and sometimes, when i try really hard, i can imagine that color. but i can never be sure that it's the same color - it almost seems to be idealized beyond any chance of reality, and it's certainly not the color of your eyes these days. |
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| just a friend. |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|03:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | daft punk "technologic" | ] |
ahhhhhhhhh.
i can't believe him. i can't believe me. i was going strong for a few days not crying over him. i just felt like shit cause i woke up to talk to him and see if he wanted to hang out. he was watching a movie. he said in two hours fine. two hours later. he needs to go to bed.. wth? i waited for him. he doesn't find it too appeasing hanging out with me. i guess i'm such a boring person.. i dunno. i waited.. and it hurt really bad.. i mean it's not a big deal and it's like any other night he wanted nothing from me.. it just hurt cause i was kinda going outta my way to wait for him. he won't come here cause he's in bed and it's raining outside. he knows damn well i would do it for him. i was going to. shit but he was too tired.
fuck how you leave it to assumptions. those wild cats. your perhaps, maybes, we'll sees and whatever else i left out. your double negetives. it's nice if you have a straight forward very once in awhile. ah, just being around makes me feel better.. something about his presence i suppose. i love him. end of story.
my dad tried calling and he left two vmails. i thought it was cause he said he was calling to just say hi.. in both messages. he never calls to just say hi. weird. guess i have to talk to him tomorrow. i also got a vmail from arianny saying something about her getting in a fight with her mom. i barely understood what she was saying but she was really upset. i need to call her too. something seems to be way off balance. ah. i miss her tho.
and my mother is the most amazing person i know. wow.
i want to hang out with him. shit. i probably won't for awhile.
i need to go to bed. i'm tired.. i can't believe i woke up for nothing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|06:59 am] |
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i just want to write and nothing else right now. i don't want to go to school.. but i'm so behind. oh sheesh. i hate facing reality in the depths of failure and tardiness. blah.. saved by the bell is on. yes! |
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| :] |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|05:42 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
Why do your eyes paralyze me?
What makes me feel this way?
Just carry me away with silence and heartbeats as rapid
With heartbeats as rapid
Thinking about your embrace
And how it makes me feel
I just want to feel this way forever
Sleep on portraits painted as perfect as you
Why have I been given the chance to fly (away)
When I'm not with you I feel so alone
Why have I been given the change to fly away?
I remember your face imprinted on... angels
Your voice as beautiful as the sounds of waves
Crashing against my heart
Time slows down when you look at me
I'm infatuated with this / infatuated with you
I remember... your face... imprinted on angels
It's so hard for me to understand
Why hadn't I found you before
Hold my hand... |
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| you're the shit. ..shithead. |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
and it's okay if you crash and burn. i'm a nurse. i'll take care of you. we can sleep together in a strange bed in a deep winter of a sleep. you know, snow insulates. so let's pretend that we're covered in snow in our bed. let's pretend that we're pirates in a strange land. let's pretend that everything's okay.
i'll be there when the sky falls around you, perfect disaster with shards of memories lacerating your body. i'll take you out on to the beach and wash the blood off of your spirit. you'll be all shiny and new and brand-happy.
i will curl up next to you at night like i'm trying to burrow into your body. let's be one and the same. let's be like this for awhile. won't you dream of great things still? won't you touch me lightly but with such passion like i have forgotten?
ah, i feel the air lifting. i can feel you in, down, and around me. my eyes are silver dollars, shining and lustrous. when i blink, you are like an old movie projection. you go in and out, in and out of my mind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|01:06 pm] |
Oh, shit.
I'm pathetic. |
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